I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
