worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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