i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
