My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
