Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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