What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
