forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
