Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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