Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
