A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You are a genius and a whore.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
