Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
