two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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