Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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