Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
