my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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