i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
