i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i love accidental penises.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
