I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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