I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He keeps bees of course he's weird
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
