there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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