Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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