Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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