i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Randomize
