If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize