Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He did a backflip because drugs
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
