This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
