Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
