I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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