I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
never play flip cup with pint glasses
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
