Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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