He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
