I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
