theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
