Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
the liver wants what the liver wants
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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