grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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