I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize