I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
