From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Fuck appropriateness.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
