it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
