This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
