I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
