drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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