I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
