Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Randomize
