So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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