apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
