3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
