I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
