It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize