i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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