I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
