Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
