drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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