My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
