Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
