I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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